innocence

In some ways I envy my son in others, I would hate to be him. I have high expectations for him. Not for what I think he will be but for what I know he is now. I hate seeing him slack off. I detest when he gets the "what can you do for me" attitude so many in the western world seem to have. This to me is NOT acceptable. I understand he is a 4 year old child. I treat him as such for the most part. I don't beat, or slap (well the occasional hand slap) him, though sometimes I think a ticket to the 'ol wood shed Grandpa used to threaten could work. I get utterly annoyed when he acts like he doesn't know something or just doesn't respect boundaries. Those are a must in this house. He has them,I have them, Corey has them, hell even Sully has them. Logan doesn't like intrusions he has to respect our limitations too. Like not shouting "Deer!' in the car while we are driving then laughing hysterically as we swerve looking for the damned thing. Yelling at the top of his lungs in the car is another annoyance.

Society to me right now is in the shitter. Look at most "kid shows" Power Rangers, Batman, that carp. No educational value but jammed packed with useless violence. Looking back to when I was a kid there was Loony Tunes, but now too violent. You know that Road Runner and Coyote...or the racial stereo of Speedy Gonzalez. Umm alright, so lets kill for the sake of beat up people and kill, to hell with the consequences. And we wonder why society is in the clink. Let's not forget Dora the poster child for leftist propaganda going against the leftists at Viacom and telling children while crying she wouldn't see them because big bad Viacom was taking her off the air. Shows like hers are just the leftist way of making our children learn our new national language of illegal immigrants. I think it is crap that other nationalities are not shown where are the Canadian's? The French, the Germans? Lest we forget the Chechz for "Bo-hunk's" like the Carlson's. <--Just keepin' it real Krazy Girl! It's crap plain and simple. I try to shelter Logan as much as I can from this bunk, but he plays with other kids and they are teaching him to kill, kill, kill, shoot and kill some more. He is looked down on for watching Harry Potter. Why, because people die? Reality check people die, but they don't go around thoughtlessly killing for the hell of it. Logan is not afraid and understand the difference between reality and movies.

I love the innocence he has at times, it really makes me feel like a Mom. "Mom can you read me another Chapter from our book?" Mom, can we watch Cars tonight," or "Can we play Tractor Tippin' the game?" He will take SurvivorMan over Batman, Ghost Hunters over Dora. Not that I would let him watch that at home, but at the Nursery those get played. He learns stuff from Les, and besides "Collargate" which he doesn't understand he is not afraid of ghosts since I introduced him to Ghost Hunters about this time last year. Let me tell you nights go much more smoothly too! "Lets play with my Cars Mom; I want to make a snowball and throw it." God, I never had magic like that as a kid. I don't remember my Mom doing anything with me, I had toys and book to keep me company. Nothing to keep me safe though. I am happy that as Logan goes into Kindergarten I will have reached a mini goal for him, keeping him safe from harm and off to school. I never had that luxury, as Joey (my sitter) raped me for the last time and tried to suffocate me just days before I began Kindergarten. My next goal is 10 for Logan then. The last time my uncle had his grubby hands on me. Just chip away at the horrors of my childhood by being hyper-vigilant and keeping my baby safe.

Dr. Kathleen likened him at his 3 year check up to me this was, "a 6-7 year old trapped in the body of a 3 year old." How true, and he's grown even more in leaps and bounds since. I think she enjoys seeing how he has blossomed. I know I do. His favorite word to spell is brat, it is from a book Krazy Girl got him for his birthday. We do at least 5 sight-words a day now. He is so proud and so are we. I just wish he would use his utensils when we eat!!!

Some ask why we don't have more kids. First there is no guarantee they would be like him. We got all we could have wanted and SOOOO much more with him. Secondly, I am not a baby machine. Carrying a child is not my forte. Pregnancy was killer for me. Really. Thank God I lived through it. For all the promises it will be better again, I knew the first would be harrowing, no one listened till it was about too damn late for both of us. I am thankful Jess wasn't there for it, she would have gone postal seeing me like that and there was nothing she could do. More power to those with more then one kid. My hat is off to you, but one is it for us unless God slips us a curve (please don't!!).

I get to watch him grow, change and drive me insane daily. I never have to share time with him and someone else. I pour my heart and my soul to this little dude, and I just pray that it will click as he gets older to do the right thing not always the easy or fun thing. I see the trappings of his old soul inside wanting to come out, and I keep telling him in time you will be older in body, but to not rush it. Play with your toys, enjoy Play House Disney, write with both of your hands if you want sing the wrong words and dance like a mad-man. To hell with what others think, I am gonna love you either way. Live life to the fullest by embracing it all, there will be time when you are older to stress, not now.

I look at my own relationships with my family if you can call it that. There is my mother whom I harbor resentment towards to selling me out and knowing about it. Then acting as if she didn't know. Tom my biological father for being the most non committed parent on the planet, but at least he had my back when I needed it. The look on his face when he first saw his grandson was priceless. Jerry my adopted father who nice enough but still to this day cannot parent, but is I am told a great councilor. Go figure. He always makes me feel like I am not important enough to have time for, still to this day. Sucks really. Keyara is the queen of being enabled. Her bread and butter is playing her kid against mom and Jerry. And they stupidly fall for it time after time. It is really sicking. She will never amount to shit in less they make her life without their constant crutches. Easier said then done seeing as they are all guilty of it all her life. My entire mothers side are oblivious to the fact that my uncle and his brothers, and friends and step uncles used most the nieces and nephews as their sex toys. Talk about killing the messanger when I fanally had enough to say something. They just look the other way even making him a pseudo saint in their eyes. I cannot stand it! Tom's family has always been warm and loving in their Zeimet way. It's weird I can be closer to them them him. They are cool, just they are so open to me and who I am. The closet thing to life-long acceptance I have had. Then there is Jerry's family. Most treated me like the adopted kid as I grew up and was used to being the outsider. They are how I cut my teeth with saying to hell with other people. Funny how when I went back last year those who were so cold to me as a child were so warm to me at Jo and Mike's. They just don't know what to make of me, good. Jo and Mike are a riot, and likely my favorite from that family. They have one son too. I keep everyone even them at arms length to protect myself. If I learned anything July '07 was not to trust anyone completely..ever. But, in the same token I cannot black ball people either. I see the immediate family, Logan's grandparents so he knows them, and has a chance to love them. All of them. He doesn't see the flaws and I try REALLY hard not to point them out to him. Though he can sense tensions and has even called me on bull-shitting him about some of it. Smart kid. Glad he is mine. And darn proud of him too!